By the way!

And when The chinar bids a goodbye to the fire it had,
I let the leaves fall off me, with whining elegy of death of something in me.
The leaves that belonged to none of my part,
The leaves that were none of my own.
They belonged to the sun who cherished them with radiance he had from, places beyond reach.
They belonged to the breeze that could touch them and leave, but never could hold them close for a while.
The water that was smitten with them deserved then the most!!
The seasons went on and
The sun betrayed them, refraining them of its ever amazing love,
The winds, that were now the ones , tortured them,
And the water, it was always rose to the jack.
They left me for someone left them and they left them for someone had left them.
Myths are many but the prettiest one is of someone being loved completely, complete is no love,
For there is no love left here.

Death.

It was never this tough for me to survive . Such anguish , such despondency.
I feel like some one crumbled my neck and bruised it so hard , so strong, that nocuous air is gushing into it ; dark murk; a bouquet of thousand blue flowers , feels like I smell 'em, their savour so bitter.
I look out of the  dormer of my room  and I see a path with no footprints; I see it clear in the effulgence of moon , and I see none

Will none be handy.

Look at her , the achromatic scarf , her blood is blushing it , saturating it as your axes fall on her bossom.
She has one hand on her head in repentance and another patting the ground singing out whines.

YOU KILLED HER.

The question

I once had an "emotion test", sounds stupid but a kinda machine based test to get to know what I was feeling at that moment - how silly of humans for when a human can't guess what another human feels how could a machine master this trick !!! Suddenly the result was "I quit , you are a mix of all emotions" , I laughed for a while and went away . But it was something I was convinced to accept at some points of my life . 
  I have always been a step aside from everyone mentally . It was something that brought me to halt at times , to a halt of living , believing in myself  ; for  I had stupids around me. .. yes stupids , who kept on chortling their false verses vein by vein . 
Confidence in oneself is a must no matter regarding what it's supposed to be and it was something I never possessed . I had a fear of accepting my identity , lacked freedom of knowing of my existence as an important one . My thoughts never were agreed with and plans were abused . 
   I kept on reading things over different websites ,
      "Great people never mix up"
    "To win one needs to expect a win"
And much more , kinda motivational phrases . Then I felt like thinking over it every night before sleep , or even I used to quit my sleep to think that what makes me so meek of my being , so unsure of my existence . 
   I can write , and I write good for at least my own reading. I study well , I am good at extra curriculum , I can sketch , I can sing , I can craft . I am a good host , I am an adored emcee whome audience loves whenever I be a presenter , I speak well , but couldn't find the answer .
      Then at an event at Kashmir university I was the presenter of the show , something I often used to be----- but this time was different for in a section I had to fellicitate three of my best friends who were doctors that year and I wasn't and I was ashamed as hell and after the fellicitation I went backstage when Dr. Iqra makhdoomi held my hand and said , "you have something we can never have , your way of presenting yourself , your way of grabbing audience to yourself and your way of expression , then she smiled and went away. 
And that day I realized the question I had been wandering for an answer of was never a question but just a negative vibe ... I never had a question .

Satisfaction exists!!

Sky is the limit to human ardor or may be we even go beyond that. We should often juxtapose two parallel lives we see or become familiar with; a kinda we often come across , "A man without hooves and the one without moccasin" . 
   Who's forsaken?? 
   Both?? None?? 
Satisfaction is mere an imagination not but of a very satisfied mind. the ones in clover are often sans folks who can accompany them and. The ones with menage mayboften lack occasions to smile for. 
   I read an article some days back and it pointed out a very kosher fact that " our agonies and our bliss have a balance in ,when they come , to whom they come , for how long they stay" a known fact but a neglected one indeed. Someone tabbed for an alleged institute may not have money while someone may accessinstitutions just by riches.
Is anyone satisfied. ???
Humans are never appeased , we are nevercontent with what we have.
While some bawl for a gone ally, some bewailfor a dead father. 
While some have no money for a gadget , someyearn for a slate.
ALLAH said that look for menias in this worldand for majors in the hereafter .

Our comparison is to that clod who looses athing in a cave and comes out in light to find it ; but won't act sane enough to take light into the den. We seem even blunt and I be even moreobtuse.

I pity thy being 
That vandalizes ones felicity
But prays and PAYS for ones rupture

He taught me.

How far have they thrown you into the woods and let the fire spread,
All through the place into your veins;
Burning your walls and drying up your blood.
Have you just been watching; how coward at your part!
Your existence ashames me.

Didn't you scream?
  How would I, he grabbed my neck between his nails.
Didn't you run?
  How would I, he buried me half.
Didn't you hate?
   How could I, he just taught me to love

  

The goodbye

Hey love, am I de drop,
Am I forcing my presence,
Am I yelling out my chortle;
Do you wish to bid a goodbye to me,
Do you want me to veil my smile, conceal my love,
Hey love!
Don't you love me,
Do you hate me!?

Words!!

They say I don't write, for if I would, they would whine on the story or the way of narration;
For they would burn the words and inhale the smoke, the addiction of what won't be blamed of ;
For they would cry out the words and stop the time in sorrow ;
For it would scramble their life into a puzzle completely meaningless;
They are screaming the words I wrote, for they wanted me to write..

The paranoid life

What was an answer to peace is a drivel now
What was exciting is a drudge now
What was a duvet is a rock now

I never could Figure Out the real purpose of me. I still can't  figure out. Answers demand writing so I guess writing has answers

If I peep into what made me this ugly antisocial brat would be starting four years back.

As a teenager with friends and not at all with the family I took life as a pink adventure full of girlies , when I never was that but I copied the lifestyles of my beautiful friends (beautiful physically). They wore trends , it suited them ; I wore trends, I looked funny. I thought may be m not beautiful so y amn't I???  But as time gives you answers I was never meant to be that..
I was ugly physically AND SOCIALLY.
But I AM UGLY PHYSICALLY BUT PRETTY IN HEARTS.
I have been struggling hard with being a credulous blab. I was criticized for this but I continued to be impervious . I was good , on that note if I give an example , if I am in the middle of he conversation at midnight and I yawn , I can't let the other person know that I can't talk , I ll talk unless the other person wants to sleep. Kinda "a can't say no person " and not a "don't care " chimp
I have a phobia of losing people when I have two or three left. It was or is my idiosyncrasy to make up with people whom I know for just one day. It was a nice habit I supposed but it led me to a notorious figure. 
My words were inaudible and my words, illegible. Panacea for it was love , my kinda love , the respect of "yes you are existing and it matters".
I became a facsimile of a begging freak. None exonerated me from my venial mistakes. 
Three years passed and the following year I isolated myself from the world . I thought of it to be a misanthropist and their criticism was a matricide. 
It was my father who never let me loose hope and worked with me a year. I introspected myself in prayers. I was wrong at being nice , a philanthropist , but was I actually wrong.???!!
I got admission in medicine , yeah made them proud , my parents proud , but I wasn't smiling at all , not happy at all ???!!!!  Cause I recall the things that happened ,everyday. I wanted to turn to a fatalist but couldn't. I have a great field ahead but I have no vision left. 
Valetudinarian I am , mentally sick. 
I just can't be a turncoat, infalliable, stoic, fastidious, but I can be a humanitarian, Samaritan. 
So I turned to an amateur , one of literature. 
I ll keep on writing, I don't know where the cynic person in me will die, but I won't stop writing.. And I ll celebrate the funeral with "My most beautiful words"

We envy for what!!

Life is never tired of narrating new stories to us , some good , some bad , some worse. Listening to all those heart warming or ecstatic stories we forgot ours. We often , often begrudge lives of people , good or bad , for we just see good in it, for we see in it something we don't have or we are not meant for, but we fail to spot what they couldn't have makes their view of their life a far cry from ours. 
        I have been anxious about what my public appearance would be rather how would people judge it . What makes us so envious about every good thing , good in our perspective . Many savants would have Or have been debating on this topic of "humans not being gratefull to Him for what they have",  but how contemplative do we take those words , how much do we embrace our Serviceableness that day when we read such stuff. 
We yearn for what ??!!!! 
For many it would be a pretty face , good looks , and moreover appreciation from others for something not long-lasting. 
    My mother has been one of the greatest women I ever met , in her social being . She ain't that good in appearance as the world would take it but I don't find anyone smarter than her, agile than her ,  prettier than her . She often warns me not to embrace someone's Bloom for its all an illusion . The examples she quotes to me would be of hazrat umar farooq , Nelson Mandela (whom Einstein called the smartest person. ) , for sure these people marked their names as more than carving in a stone or more than Forever but with what??  a physique or a great intellect , a divine intention. 
            Inferiority for a thing or two, you don't have should not Bear hard on you to forget all good you have. It takes seconds to criticize our physique but it took so much love by Allah to take  this Bag of bones to the "crown of creation" title . 
He didn't send us down to keep in embracing the charm we have, but for a purpose . 
What's needed to be known well by not people but their souls??
It's a heart that loves humanity and a mind that brings out ideas to take it to a better tomorrow , something my mother teaches me to be on tenterhooks for .

Lost fame

Halcyon attitude which I owned a time ago and ignorance to what my homies wanted me to become make me repent today.
  Abilities , the mind, the power of grabbing the meaning of a myriad of words ,that intellect I know I own but I neglected!!!
I came into a dark penumbra for I thought it to be light; I ignored the Talisman I owned for I got attracted to the resplendent false symphony of a silently sonorous act played in front of me wisely . clever of His beguiling world!!!
  QIBR , what my father always forbade me to even go close to , grabbed me with all its power and now I be a PARANOID.
Murmurs of the false verses amused me when I actually forgot the hymns I had to pay heed to. 
  "GOOD THINGS BE BAD AT TIMES WHEN NEGLECTED". 
                --Shafaq Shahid
It was since me being in high school and my lithe participation in everything up to winning everything. The iridescent of fame stroke my eyes and made me blind to the fact that I won one of it but not all of it. It led me to considering people inferior .
   "WHAT WILL THEY TEACH ME
      HOW WILL THEY DEFEAT ME
       WILL I TALK TO THEM"
AND TODAY IT'S LIKE
     " THEY TAUGHT ME
        THEY DEFEATED ME LONG BACK
        AND I DON'T EXIST."
Pride grabs, enchants, castes a spell , and throws you back to the depths from where sighs come out , that too seldom.
Now I realize how ethereal beauty beautifies you and how you reach the zenith and BAANNNNNNGGGG!!! YOU FALL.
Felicity from reality is eternal but languid , a bit slow, but mellifluous.
I takes a very huge caprice to push you back from those depths. so never fall into self pride or superiority.